Act 7

Long nights lead to even longer days, the suns rays shone upon me like a light drizzle of rain gaining momentum until it pierced through the narrow slits of my eyes. It was a quiet morning for the most part, we had left Mike’s in silence and headed out to the desert for the off road event where she was meeting her “friend”. Normally I would have been the drive, between looking at the road and the scenery and watching her, but I couldn’t bring myself from staring at the landscape, but unless you were living in my shoes that day, you wouldn’t have been able to tell. On the outside, I looked as normal as any other of my sleepless days, but inside; I wandered, battered and bruised in a void of never-ending darkness. We spent the morning driving around what looked like a rag-tag band of 4 wheelers, but never did find the person she was looking for. Towards mid-afternoon sleep deprivation kicked in and at for a few sporadic moments, I snapped out of it long enough, and almost thought of nothing from the night before, and it almost seemed as if nothing had even happened the night before.

The moments were brief and few and far between, for every occurrence, something would be said, or implied that somehow my brain automatically linked as to exactly why we were there to begin with. I was filled with mixed emotions. One part of me wanted to just go home, and close the door forever, while the other half wanted to be tortured further before rest was granted to weak. While I debated why I’d want to, even remotely see the 2 of them together especially after the night before, the nagging logic began to persuade me to think that, just because I could take the pain, the agony, the humiliation, that surely there was no reason to prove it. However, the more persistent, part of me wanted nothing more than to test the true endurance of it, to see just how much I could take. Looking back I think it was to see just whether or not something like this would make me snap, and not in a physical manner, but mentally. To determine whether or not pouring everything I had out of a wounded heart to someone, and having it disregarded in such manner, would affect me enough psychologically, to simply lose it and shut off forever.

Soon she decided she had either missed him, or just couldn’t find him, so she decided that as long as she was out there to make the most out of the desert landscaping. Maybe it was partially my fault for that, I had kept saying to try various trials that others were going down, yet it appeared as this was an organized event and she didn’t want to impose. I hadn’t been off 4 wheeling in quite some time and was blindly persistent on seeing just how well her truck handled. Finally she had found a small-secluded area to romp around in. In comparison to the trails I’ve experienced it was equivalent to taking a dirt road to some old friend s house, for that matter I had driven rougher terrain in the neon, months before. Nonetheless, I was becoming weary of looking for this mystery person, and possibly made it apparent, though I can honestly say I had no intentions of it. I was antsy, yet too tired to exert energy, it had been well over 36 hrs since I had slept. Though physically able to go about doing daily activities, I was mentally drained. I needed something to take my mind away, better yet, I needed something that required no thinking, yet was not sleeping or required much effort in doing so. I missed the Neon; I missed Sierra Vista, with its mountains and valleys calling to me hundreds of miles away. I wanted nothing more than to be able to be there at that very instant driving through the winding roads from the North Gate to Elgin. To simply drive and revert back to what I know, to push the very limits of myself, to not be there. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, they say. I wanted to get as close as possible, so I’d never have to feel it again.

It had probably been a good minute before I realized we had stopped. A small batch of mesquite trees and shaded the front of the truck and cast a shadow across my face. The change in light made me see what caused it, bathroom break I supposed. I grabbed my drink and hopped out to stretch my legs as I walked to the back of the truck and let the tailgate down. Looking out at the desert horizon, with its small hills, which people called mountains, I smirked at the passing trucks and jeeps. Minutes passed like hours and I found myself feeling a pain in my temple, a migraine was building like a summer monsoon, which reminded me of the mid day drives I’d take through the storms back home. Closing my eyes I could feel the rumbling of the tires across the road, the mix of hot summer air and warm drizzle, hitting one side of my face. Taking a deep breath, I could hear the engine, revving and falling with each flick of my foot mimicking shifting and accelerating through the mountain pass, against the backdrop of the hard rain, and almost god like roar of the rolling thunder. Yet another breath and I could see the sides of the mountain road weaving its way in front of me, sliding back and forth across the horizon, as bolts of lightning danced across the lush green plains contrasting the gauges of the dashboard. Speed and tach gauges, peaking and falling with every rev of the engine, falling in sync with the smooth motion of each foot. It was a myriad of electronically, mechanically, physically and emotionally charged actions mixed with its elemental counterparts, all comprised into one chaotic orchestral masterpiece. I missed that the most since I moved here. Just as soon as I had fallen into the only place where comfort existed for me, it too was gone, with a simple nudge.

“What are you doing? You look tired. Want to leave now?” She asked.

As I opened my eyes, I could see a small platoon of ants carrying away a piece of what appeared to be a hotdog or hamburger bun. I wondered if ants dealt with these types of issues, I thought back to the night we had watched “Ants” at my house. I thought back to later that night when I dropped her off and kissing her goodnight, I wondered if it was worth what I was feeling inside right now. I squinted as I looked up back to the horizon, she standing almost in front of me, yet I looked beyond her and tried to speak. My throat was dry and hoarse. I barely managed a sound, when I finally reached for my now quite warm unopened drink; it had been sitting there for nearly 4 hrs now. Finally after working the last of 3 agonizing swallows down I was able to shout out in great vigor and enthusiasm, a proclamation that would shake mountains, move oceans and forever change the world, as we know it. Looking at her for the 1st time since the night before, gazing into those crystal blue eyes, I softly exclaimed “Naw, I’m cool”, and as far from smiling as I was, managed to at least represent some small form amusement in the situation. As quickly as my eyes met hers, they fell away, or at I made them fall away. Her eyes were astounding and under any other circumstance I would have been lost within them as usual. There’s a saying the eyes are the windows to a persons soul; I found along time ago I could easily read people and there character if I watched there eyes. Heather’s were the only pair that I could easily become so lost in that all normal train of thought was thrown out the window. No matter how hard I tried, her gaze was like a drug, hypnotic even, but after the previous evening’s event, I didn’t want to be lost in them. Not now, maybe not ever again. I wanted to run from them, to run far away, to never have to look into their angelic gaze, to not in happenstance, look beyond their exterior splendor and into what lay beneath, I didn’t want to see soul that crushed my very own.

The day seemed to drag on; almost as if we were driving through a thick marsh of mud, maybe if we were it would have been a little more exuberating. After a few more trips around the campgrounds, I suppose she had given up as well as decided to head back into town. The drive was even quieter than the drive out to the site, and hotter as well, the mid day sun slowly beat down any hope for conversation, I could tell she was visibly irritated by the whole days events, if not simply with me for not having my usually outgoing enthusiasm on most things of this nature, but delirium was creepy in and become ever more present, it was possible however to fathom that it was not delirium, and possible the lose of ones sanity. As we pulled up the apartment, I so wanted to vent, but that would have caused more damage than any good, so I opted just to walk away instead. As I walked to the door I realized that this was the 1st time since we had met, that I had either not hugged or kissed her goodbye, with that my heart sank another level, and a cold wave showered me. Mike had already called me 3 times, but I was in no mood for discussions or low-level interrogations. Knowing that I’m sure he’d already told Tom what was going on, staying at home was not really an option I wanted to deal with, I didn’t want to deal with anything at that point.

Act 8