They come to me at all hours of the night, like a shotgun blasts exploding upon my eyes, ringing throughout my head. I never hear them coming, I can\u2019t sense them coming, they just appear choking away the solace of the depth of my slumbering solitude, as if the grip of death has just been realized around my throat, sending a rush of adrenaline through my veins, but just enough to make me alert yet, not enough to complete awaken me. There\u2019s now enough to realize it\u2019s something I don\u2019t want to see, It\u2019s not bad, I simply don\u2019t want to see it, or anything, I want the darkness to consume it all, I\u2019m awake enough now to take control, enough to see what needs to go where, who needs to do what, how do I want to play this out, what will get this over and done with the quickest. The problem gets resolved. The person does this or I see the resolution and then it all fades to black, this one is over, but there are more to come, many more to come, I open my eyes and wait for the blurriness to subside, it\u2019s only 9am.<\/p>\n
I reach over and check my cell, to get the real time, the alarm clock is off by 2hrs, and have no patience to remember how much it is off and by, thus moving to the cell phone for a true confirmation. I dose off again, only to find comfort in that small area between the times I close my eyes and when the few moments found just before it all begins again, it\u2019s never the same one twice, there\u2019s never any reason to them anymore. Before I would never dream of falling or flying, they were always realistic, now I find my self being thrown into the seat of the car by unknown forces, or simply being brought into that place at the beginning without any previous knowledge of how I got there. It\u2019s as if I\u2019m dreaming a collage of experience with some underwritten connection, but it\u2019s one I can see, it\u2019s one I can\u2019t find. Before I could dig these things out through the course of the dream, because they stayed constant, now just when I discover a clue everything changes, before I can piece it together, and no matter how hard I try I can\u2019t get back to it. The batteries have died on my subconscious remote, and the channels are locked in scan mode, as I sit in the front car of a runaway subliminal rollercoaster without a driver, brake, handrail, or seat for that matter.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t dreaded going to sleep since I was about Kids age, when I was 8 I started to lucid dream, though I didn\u2019t know what it was, I stopped for a short period after I dream I was almost hit by a yellow charger while playing football in the street and the next day it happened. Like I said I didn\u2019t think much of it, I simply thought it was cool for a few days and went back to trying to be able to fly in my dreams, which I gave up on after years of fail attempts, I don\u2019t think I was ever meant to soar through the clouds. <\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t until my best friend Aaron did a term paper on \u201cLucid<\/a>\u201d dreaming; that I began to understand what I had been doing for years. Though I still didn\u2019t have a compete grasp on how it happened or why it happened, I just knew how to make it happened when I got there. Even today I wouldn\u2019t be able to explain it, as I have never really researched it, however now that I\u2019ve lost control over it, it think it may be a good thing to do, I\u2019m averaging 3 maybe 4 hrs of sleep a night out of the 8hrs I try a night.<\/p>\n I told Terri about and she says it\u2019s because there\u2019s something I need to work out in my life. It was ironic because it reminded me of something I once told Heather when she asked me \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d I replied with \u201cEverything and nothing!\u201d she didn\u2019t get it, and went on to explain.<\/p>\n \u201cIf everything is wrong and you don\u2019t know it then nothing is wrong, because it\u2019s the \u201cnorm\u201d but just because you don\u2019t know that it\u2019s wrong, doesn\u2019t mean that it\u2019s not wrong, thus if the \u201cnorm\u201d is wrong then everything is wrong as well!\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s been this way since the day before New Years Eve, and still have yet to be able to pin point where in my life something has gone awry.? I don\u2019t foresee many sleep filled nights ahead, but I\u2019ll still try, the trick so far after 3-4 episodes is shot of Captain Morgan\u2019s, or a Vicodin, as the only thing I have yet to tie to all the dreams is that in the end my leg is in pain as if I had been walking, jumping, running, on it all day unfortunately the small supply I still have from the hospital is dwindling down.<\/p>\n It makes me wonder about the conversation Diane, Thalia, and I had the other night about Virgo\u2019s being phucked up in the head, granted I\u2019m a Virgo on a Leo cusp, it does seem to be a little coincidental, especially when taken in perspective to the rest of my life. But I put very little into the aspect of my Horoscope, simply based on past experiences, and associations.<\/p>\n I wish there was a way to record my dreams so I could see the pattern, yes there\u2019s always a pattern, it\u2019s just not as easy to see, or as quick to show itself. Maybe I\u2019ll stay awake for a few days and force myself into longer periods of REM<\/a>, and try and figure it out, until then, more restless night await.<\/p>\nShare this:<\/h3>