Monday September 16, 2002 at 06:39 pm

There’s always too much of things…

So the weekend is over, and I’ve gotten pretty much nothing on my “to do list” done. Though I did find the motivation to go to work for a few hours on Saturday, the motivation was still not enough o complete the tasks. But not because I didn’t try, but because the places I went to didn’t have what I need to get the job, done, or because there’s simply not enough time in the day. A resolution to this would be a 24 Hr complex, where they had every type of store available 24 hrs. Like a 24hr Ace hardware and a 24 Fry’s Electronics, and definitely a 24hr barber shop, but hey nothing I can do about that.

Speaking of barbershop, I went and saw barbershop this week with my roomie, Big Worm aka Mike aka Lunchbox McCalister. It has to be one of the best all around movies I’ve seen in a really long time, and I recommend to anyone who’s looking for a good definitely funny movie. I pretty much had an impression of how it would be, but then I realized my barbershop is almost exactly like the one portrayed in the film, so there was a definite connection with it.

So after the movie it was too late we went to Super Wal-Mart to get some groceries and so I could check for some things needed to fix up the apt. But alas they had none of what I needed. So I opted for what has been tinkering in my head for the last month, homemade ice cream. Actually it started out with Thrifty’s ice cream and then the thought process kind of regressed to my mom making homemade ice cream. So I figure, hmm Wal-Mart should have an ice cream maker, dooh, negative ghost rider. So this I now the 3^rd time I’ve gone to this Monstrosity and they haven’t had the simplest things I’ve been looking for. So now I’m on another mission now, which is to hunt down the store s that will have what I need, which will take all week since I work 2-11 and don’t go to sleep till, at earliest 4 A.M., thus resulting in may waking up on average around 11 or 12 A.M..

So I did get my oil changed, and that was about it, everything else hinged on get the plates and cables, which non one seemed to have. I did finally get to talk to a friend this weekend so it was big, and welcomed surprise. Granted Mike kept interrupting to have me show him something regarding using IRC, which could have waited or could have been done earlier. Ironically the guy next to me hit me up with a barrage of question about IRC as well as soon I walked in the door this morning, but that’s another story, for later, and off the weekend topics.

So come Saturday night things are going surprisingly well for a my weekend, and then the cliffhanger came, 2 minutes left on the clock, U of A up by 7points, with Utah with possession with the ball on the 15 yard line in Wildcat turf. A nail biter indeed, yet, the bear down cats did just that and held Utah within a mere 3 yards of tying and possibly winning the game. All the time was talking with my friend, whom is a die hard ASU fan, so some of our conversations are bit loaded with stabs against the others team. Granted I live in Phoenix, ASU sucks, and it amazes me how they somehow get a bowl game every year when there are consistently getting their collective asses handed to them throughout the season. This too is another story for another day perhaps.

Okay Sunday has rolled around now, and we’ve done a ton of stuff for the day, so I didn’t get home until about 6 P.M. After which we turned right back around, and grab Chinese form my favorite Chinese restaurant, Jade Palace, and then went to Fry’s to grab some frozen food on sale. So I finally get home, and began downloading Barbershop via IRC, when the roller coaster began. I call a rollercoaster because the entire evening, including up till after I got of the phone, was the climb to the peak of the weekend and with physics constantly at play in the universe what comes up must come down.

I started talking with an old friend of mine, like we normally do and one thing lead to another and she asked me why I was being so open about things now. Her exact words were:

“oh…well…I don’t think it’s the exhaustion that makes u transparent….it’s like you’re done with the walls….which by it’s own right is kind of a good thing…but when u get rid of them all to the point that it’s like looking at the front page of a newspaper to see what’s going on that’s not really a good thing….So what’s going on with that and why is it all of a sudden you’re letting people read u like an open book?….why now since you’ve always took pride in the fact that u don’t let your emotions show?”

So I started thinking that I never really thought about why I did it, so to speak, I just started doing it really. She didn’t want to probe, but I told her to go ahead, so I could at least reflex on things, almost like jogging my memory especially since I hit somewhat of a block with “The Darkest Hour”. After a bit of discussion, I could clearly see why I did it, why I originally started the IDGAF weekends which later turned into months, and now years. So to answer the burning question some may be wondering as they read this.

I do it because:

1)��� I can

2)��� Having them crushed before, whether hidden or not hurts more than if they’re just out there for the world to see, so why bother hiding them.

3)��� By not doing it, has done more harm than good

4)��� I have nothing else to lose from putting it all out there

So I put myself out there for the world to see, what pisses me off is when people begin to use for their own amusement, yet I still find myself censoring what I say. I do it to protect myself and to basically protect others from what I could and might say when push comes to shove.

To which she responded with.

��������� “Oh…well in certain situations u do still hold your feelings in…but in other u let em flow…so what I’m not understanding is…if u can put forth the ‘not give a fuck’ attitude with some things…then why not with everything…and if u were all about putting it all out there u would have he hesitation that your having with putting the book/story out there for all to see…so maybe I’m not getting it. Unless you’ve changed your mind about the book/story”

I then explained.

Cuz some of the things I could say in response would make a preacher cringe, and my own mother slap the shit outta me, so I just don’t say anything and I’m still gunna put the story out there, I think I’ll put the 1st part out tonight, maybe. So i figured fuck it, put it all out there, except the shit that could make the oceans part, cuz otherwise I have nothing at all to lose.

We talked some more and discovered a key moment, when the 1st decision was made, and at least one definitive reason. Okay we didn’t really find a reason I explained why one situation was part of it. I didn’t really need to say anything; she’d already figured most of it out. In a sense, I think she was just waiting to see if I could put it all out there with her, no I take that back, especially with her. I know she probably didn’t mean this but, I took it that way, if it wasn’t her test it was mine to myself. And surprisingly, it was strange being absolutely and utterly open about everything to her, whether it was the time that had spanned between us, or the experience we each had, apart it was a relieving experience. It’s like the pit, that held on the shit I used to hold in is now empty and I realize only now how big it really was. So now there’s a huge part of me that seems empty, even bottomless at times that needs to be filled with something and I have no idea what.

To which she noted

“Like I said…maybe there was a reason for all of it to happen the way it did….now that I see yur not being a pud about speakin yur mind I actually feel a lil better about it”.

From there, it seemed like both our moods kind of declined, but not to the point that we weren’t talking, but more to a point of reflecting on things we’d experienced, mainly from what I like to call my “Dumb Days”, and just as noted earlier, another story for another time, based on another word for pit/emptiness and a very similar conversation we had almost 3 yrs ago.

The thing is what if it was something I already had and lost it along with everything else, and can’t get it back. At times I feel as if I’m trying to hard to find it when I should just let it flow as it may, the basis of the IDGAF principle. Yet at the same time, I’m always questioning what if I never get it back or find something to fill that space. It’s a sickening feeling, unbalanced, a skewed, uncertainty, exhausted from questioning and analyzing the “What If’s”.

I can now say I hate that phrase/question “what if?”…

There’s never just one answer…

Yet for some reason I constantly search and find many…

Too many options…

Too many analyses…

Too many of everything…

“There’s always too much of things, when all u want is a simple answer!”

– Ðå ßïtçh 9/15/02