Monday January 7, 2002 at 10:30 pm
I had a dream last night, not that that is unusual but the fact I can remember all of it is. I can remember seeing different sets of eyes. And they kept coming up in different phases and they all had music to them. The weird thing, if it can be really called weird, is I think I have a logical explanation for it. I always play music when I go to bed, Iâve been doing it since I was a kid, to block out the things I didnât want to hear or the things I wasnât supposed to hear. In the beginning it was just the radio, and as I got older Iâd make tapes or CDâs with music I could fall asleep to easily. Now of course I just make a play list of mp3âs on my computer, for the most part ballads and so forth. Obviously it would be a little hard to go to sleep listening to New Order âConfusionâ, and I think I can trace the fact that I still wonât wake up if the radio is playing in the morning, to those early years of listening to music as I fell asleep, and not having it shut off at some point.
This however, is probably the 1st time my subconscious has associated the music being heard to my dreams, or at least the 1st time I can clearly remember. Now there was time when I would listen to specific songs when I was thinking about someone in particular, and I still do this at times. Anyway the dreams only consisted of beautiful eyes and smells. I didnât really think anything about it at first until I realized that I had seen them all before. At first I thought it was kind of odd, I felt like I knew all of them, but for some reason I couldnât put my finger on to whom they belonged to. Somewhat consciously frustrated I realized I was dreaming and began lucid dreaming, as this seemed like a somewhat amusing challenge. At 1st it was kind of kewl, I havenât lucid dreamed in a while, well not any that I wanted to at least. Then it became frustrating when I couldnât see their eyes for as long as I wanted to and thatâs when the real challenge began. I had figured out that each set of eyes was being shown in time with the music, and with some of the songs the eyes would intertwine with each other. By this time I realized the eyes were being shown in sync with the songs that they were associated with, and that because some were associated with more than one person they switch at the exact verse in which they were associated with within the song itself.
I still couldnât quite put all of it together in a clear manner that I wanted when I started realizing that time was getting short. I donât know how, but I did, maybe because it is the same list of songs that I play every night, and somehow I knew the songs being played at the time were at the bottom of the list, thus signifying the music would end soon and with it the eyes would disappear. That was not an event I was looking forward to no matter conscious or not. Especially seeing as I only have a mental picture of the eyes and the people associated with them and not any physical pictures, itâs strange how that worked out over the years. The entire time this took place I only wanted to see one set of eyes that I knew would only be seen 4 times somehow thinking about the songs that I had on my play list and knowing the cycle in which they played.
Finally I started putting the pieces together in a clear format my subconscious mind could comprehend and I guess relay to my cognitive conscious (donât know if that last statement really made since), anyway none the less I had figured out all of the eyes and the songs and in only a matter of time hers would come up again. The only question was, just how much time did I have left before the songs ended or my alarm clocks would completely jolt my consciousness awake. In the end I must say definitely did not want to wake up from the state I was put in. Almost as if somehow before I put them in order for this reason, the last songs that played took me to a state of euphoria I didnât want to leave.
âHave You Seen Him/Herâ started to fade in, along images of several eyes and several smells. The 1st was not one I donât really care to remember, at least not consciously, but since I experienced it I suppose Iâll have to. At the time I figured Iâd have to endure in order to see what else was to come. For some reason the only smell I could make out was that of soap and then I remembered why she was associated with this song. It wasnât for any significant reason other than I met her when this song 1st debuted and was actually thinking of someone else at the time. As quickly as her scent and eyes appeared they were gone replaced with the scent of older perfume I never learned the name of and her eyes with a sparkle in them. I knew her and I knew when my eyes last saw that exact same look, with that same sparkle, surrounded by that same smell. It was 3 weeks after we had 1st started seeing each other, 2 weeks after I 1st kissed her. It was at dusk as we watched the suns slowly drop behind the Huachuca Mountains and that last sparkle of light reflected of her eyes. That night was the 1st time I really felt wanted for me a not for knowledge I had about computers, music or driving fast. I remember that moment and that night I felt she wanted to be there just for who I was, nothing more, then it faded away like an old black and white TV slowly losing itâs signal and eventually going out, or so I thought.
After a moment or two of darkness I slowly began to see another set of eyes, to the same song still. It took a little bit to make out but after I figured out what the smell was I remembered just who the smell of ocean air and Mexican food reminded me off, or so I thought I did, but when I started to acknowledge it, the smell changed but the eyes remained the same. I was wrong about the person I thought I was thinking about. The smell had changed to a strong Caribbean smell, and I had a taste in my mouth now. It took me a bit to figure out if the smell was bananas but then I was able to put my finger on it, it was Rum, and the taste was Coke. I probably smiled in my sleep, realizing the two together obviously Rum and Coke would be associated with only one person. Thinking back I understood the 1st clue and was able to associate it to my 1st trip to Rocky Point, watching the ocean shimmer under a full moon, and seeing that same sparkle in her blue eyes, almost in her own little world. I could only assume, she wished for nothing more at that moment than for that instance of carefree joy to go on as long as possible. I wanted to dwell on her eyes longer; for they were always a part of her I was intrigued with. As the song ended so did the vision.
âSheâs All I Ever Hadâ came on and I could smell, the Tommy Girl perfume, mixed with ocean spray, as a ice cold breeze came over me, and as it did in knew exactly who, when and where I took that mental picture. It was 3am at Mission Beach in San Diego, tugging and pulling at her sleeves to barely come out onto the ice-cold water, away from our now quite curious companions for that evening. I remember her saying she didnât want to and call me a mean Pooh Bear. I also remember finally getting her to the waterâs edge and staring aimlessly into her eyes for what seemed to be forever, then her saying she didnât want to talk about the unspoken subject neither of us wanted to admit to at the time, and just wanted to enjoy the moment. I smiled and said okay. Suddenly we were in the middle of the desert standing at the back of her car, and once again I found myself staring into something unknown to me at the time, something I wished I would have explored further. Everything faded out then and I sighed, either consciously or in my dream.
âBy Your Sideâ, eased into my head and found myself surrounded by the smell of Adidas for Her and campfire smoke, it didnât take long to know to confirm the dazzling eyes that lay before, twinkling like a shining star in the palm of my hands. As I looked up, I could see a star filled clear night sky filled with others that could not even compare to the sparkle in the same way her eyes sparkled. I remember that night clearly as well, it was the 1st night I felt a connection with someone in long time, someone whom I connected with on so many levels. I also remember staring into her eyes as she trekked up the side of a hill with a somewhat devilish grin on her eyes or so it seemed.
It wasnât long until it the eyes changed to a crystal brown and the smell was replaced with the strong scent of sweet coconut oil. Right then I knew I didnât want to wake up. Curiosity got to me when I couldnât immediately get why she was there to this song, and then it hit me, and I almost woke up. Struggling to stay in my slumber I managed to affix myself upon her gaze. But it wasnât as real as the others, it was more two dimensional, and then I remembered why. I had never seen her true eyes only pictures of them. But the smell was more all too real. I could feel my body go could and I pulled the comforter closer to me, but to know avail. Slowly I began to hear her song, “Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”, our song and I felt a great sadness. Not just because I knew it was the last song, but because of how much I missed her, and how I hated the fact that she was torn from my life, only because of a power greater than all tangible items or beings. I didnât want to wake up and leave but at the same time I didnât want to feel the feeling I had buried so long ago again. I started to think about her more consciously, than subconsciously, and recalled all the time we had shared together. I wanted to relive it all within those few minutes I had left. I wanted to repaint the landscape we had painted with only words and emotions. I recalled the 1st night we met, playing musical trivia and proclaiming ourselves the king and queen of music, sitting on the still warm sand in front of a fire, talking until the next morning when we both realized we had to go to work. I remembered it all, even the night I was called and told she gone forever. Entering that eternal sleep, cuddled with the Teddy bear I gave her and wearing my favorite shirt I had sent her, hearing her last words to me âWhatever happens, donât stop living your lifeâ, and thatâs when all those emotions that I thought I had hidden from the world came out again, rising like Phoenix from the ashes, reborn into my heart. At that moment I knew that if I had the choice I would have rather stayed in that state just to see her again, even if it meant to never return.
To my disappointment at the time, the 3 alarm clocks I had set began to echo their way into my world as the last song ended and eventually took over. Once again I awoke, alone. Iâd have to say that if I were a psychoanalyst Iâd probably rate that dream as a subconscious request for a conscious action, resulting in a permanent state of unconsciousness. But since Iâm not, I donât and I always keep my promises no matter how hard they are. I wonât stop living my life, no matter how dreary, and unconceivable to me it may seem.
That was my dream, and now itâs time to go back to that dream world, where everything we wish we had done or said can be corrected, and where with time and practice one can build a better world to live in if only for that little bit of time each night.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.