Saturday December 1, 2001 at 11:53 pm

Another Friday, damn where to begin? Let see worked, and worked. and came home and …and…And….and….and here I am, with my mundane thoughts and ramblings. Okay so I come home and my roommate is out no big deal, any other day yeah no big deal. But then earlier I had the call, the call that defines what has become and what is to be. God I think back and realize that I slip through others lives unknown or at least to me it is. And I don’t mean just no known I mean, everyone you meet everyone you see has an impact on your life some way or another. Well it’s kind of like that but on a more exact level. I mean how can something that always was or so it seemed, go to nothing at all in the blink of an eye, And worse yet, without a single word, a single notion. I think back about when I first imagined living here I remember thinking back to the old Kung Fu TV series where the guy is just wandering through the desert and ends up in different places. That’s how I feel, like I just wander through peoples lives and in the end I know in some way or fashion they have touched me and I accepted what I have leaned from them or appreciate what they have shown me. And when this happens and as the saying goes people change over time and I realize we are going in different directions, I at least take the time and effort or at least I try to show my appreciation for what they have done to impact my life, whereas I on the other hand don’t know. It’

It’s like sand through your hands; I’m just a grain of many slipping through your hands not knowing whether or not I made a impact whether good or bad on it. I’m a wanderer of life. I can honesty say I’ve tried to show my appreciation to everyone I’ve ever met and had any type of relationship with, to at least let them know that I do appreciate what I did. In the end I guess either I’m blind to it or it just doesn’t happen, maybe it’s just me, but none the less it’s unknown.

What is known at least to me and my perception is jus as I stated, passing through lives collecting or being shaped into my own being and not knowing whether or not I actually make a difference or not. I frankly right now it seems like I don’t. And that’s the sad part to think that I’m going through life without making a difference, it just makes it easier to close off the rest of the world, because frankly at this point it doesn’t seem like it matters. Really I look back every bit of information or experience I’ve told someone doesn’t matter to them, it’s almost as if I said it just because they asked to asked, not because they really wanted to know.

Either way, I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel about it anymore, there’s really no one there to listen to it anyway. Sorry with the exception with the few and I mean few that actually look at my site for more than 30 seconds which registers as 1 min on the site meter.

I guess the question is whether I should just join everyone else that uses people for what they want or should I stick to what I feel is right and just. Fuck that, I am who I am and always will be. And like I’ve always said if people don’t like you for who you are then fuck them. So I’m going to be who I always have been and for all those that have meant something in my life and still do, but are unknown like the rest, well I can say this. I’ve lived my life with many candles in my life, and all those that ever  meant anything to me has a candle that will forever burn in appreciation for all that you’ve ever done. But I doubt any of them will read this so…..

Actually what’s really fucked up is that when your growing up your parents always teach you to tell the truth and when you grow up and do, it just comes back to bite you in the ass. Almost every book on relationships, say the truth is the best way, if that were the case, why is it honesty is what ends most relationships, with honesty…well shit with my experience with it just well, what can is say, just doesn’t seem to benefit. So I ask this, do you want to here what you want to hear or do you want honesty. Because to be honest it can hurt worse than lies.