Sunday November 24, 2002 at 09:11 am

You know Fridays are not supposed to set the mood for your weekend, unless its fun, it’s not supposed to bring out hidden emotions that are not quite buried. Almost like the half buried bodies at that crematory in Mississippi, that was in the news earlier this year. Just when you think things are almost normal again in your life, something happens that dredges up things that are better off, buried and hidden away. Things that can serve no purpose but to remind you of what was lost, what was never to be, and the pain that came along with it all.

I got the call just before my break, there was no ID listed so I figured it to be my mom, a bill collector for my medical expenses, or someone calling about my request for MCSE information. I was wrong on all accounts. By the sound of the voice, I had a vague idea of who it was but couldn’t place the name until she laughed and mentioned Sierra Vista. And with that revelation it went from waiting for the day to end to enjoy the time off to wanting to go to run away right here and now. It was as if someone has slid their hands over my shoulders and across my chest, easily, as if not to disturb anything else. Then coming back across ever so gently searching for that spot, that tiny little crevice we all have, that opening that we protect, that we hide, and with the skill of a trained surgeon, eased it open, exposing all within, all that was buried and trying to be forgotten. That wasn’t the harshest part, I could deal with that, it was the slow, unknown, unapparent, and likely unintentional peroxide massage freshly healed wounds. Not ripping them apart, but simply inflicting a close 2nd or 3rd on the pain factor, leaving it’s pink flesh, throbbing within, wanting nothing more than to douse the flames inflicting the burning sensation it has been covered in, but unable to break out of it pulsating, wounds, throbbing with ever beat of my heart, confined by its own, now blood red restraints. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not like this, it was supposed to be sealed away, protected away from the harsh environment by hardened scars of previous wounds suffered throughout my existence.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so uneasy, angry, distraught, and confused at the same time. I wanted to explode, I wanted close off everything and be the hardened shell I used to be, I wanted to say “Damn it’s nice to hear your voice again, I’ve missed it’s calming waves caressing of the very tongue that guides them unto the presence of only those few fortunate souls”, yet at the time I wanted to in a cool calm voice ask her “What the fuck do you want, wait you must be bored seeing as the last time we talked was under the impression of staying in touch, but then again 6 months without returning a single phone, call, or email, will wear on ones memory”. Alas none of those occurred, I simply went along with the uncomfortable silence that seemed to shout its existence with every slight nuance, after what ever little piece of trivial news we exchanged about each other lives since the last time we spoke. It was 2 conversations really, the spoken, and the one neither one of us seemed to want to admit to, the unspoken one, But the again I suppose it could have just been me, obviously my ability to read people has lost its affect, otherwise it’s likely I wouldn’t be in this position anyway. Then again almost every aspect of news she gave was something that I already knew, somehow, someway, somewhere inside me I already knew, just like her engagement I knew then before she told me, and not through anyone else, as there were only a few common acquaintances of which none I was in contact with.

Needless to say, I think the impression I left about the news was a little less than what was expected, then again saying “I’m happy for you” a good minute or two after it probably didn’t really make it seem very genuine and heart felt, which really wasn’t the impression I wanted to leave it just happen to be the only one available at the time. Unfortunately due to the fact we were both at work, the conversation was cut short, and rescheduled for later this evening, can we say déjà vu?, same words were said 6 months earlier, and for whatever reason never really followed through, so to say my hopes are up to at least clear the air, is for lack of better words, irrelevant, and greatly lacking.

People change over time; they grow apart, life moves on with or without them. Someone I loved dearly once told me no to put my life on hold for something that may never happen, I did then, and once again last year at around this same time, it won’t happen again, at least not now, and not for her.

*update*

I just finished writing this it took the course of about 3 and half hours, basically writing in between taking calls and creating mailboxes on our exchange server, and less than 2 minutes ago, she called back and is apparently headed up to Phoenix, trouble in paradise I suppose. Anyway, she has no cell, no pager, and says she’ll call when she gets here, my take on it is, *if* she gets here.

Simply based on the fact that before she could even begin to tell me why she was coming, and the fact she had no where to go when she got here, I immediately suggested for her to call me when she got here, and that I’d for a lack of a better way of explaining it was that’d be there to help her if she needed, and of course later rephrased to if she wanted me to. Okay so based on this and every other entry I’ve made referencing her on anyone else, and then to turn around and basically get right back on the same old horse that was running off the side of a cliff is a sure sign there is something definitely wrong with me. I don’t think I know a single other person that would constantly put themselves in the positions I put myself in, and then in the end, and to know that in the end, that their emotions, their very universe, no matter how tiny and insignificant it may be at those moments, will be trampled upon with complete disregard.