Thursday December 6, 2001 at 03:00 pm

Well another exciting weekend for me…lost that same 30 gig drive again , good thing I didn’t have much on there except for a couple of old mp3’s and a movie. Speaking of mp3’s I got some of the cd’s I burned back from someone, so I got to copy those over or burn new copies of them so I can give them back. You know losing the drive didn’t hit me that hard, what made it worse was I got called and told my other system that is at my moms house is fried somehow, again (this is the 2nd system in the house that’s died) and My cousin and my mom both now actually NEED a system in the house. This leaves me with a choice that is kind of messed up. Either I can give my mom computer that I use daily or I can get the one I let someone else use until they got there’s back. Here’s the problem with that situation, if I give my mom mine, that would obviously leave me with nothing to use and system-less until I could afford to make another comparable system. If I take the system I loaned out back I think it’ll be taken the wrong way no matter what.

Now my other friend is hassling me about a commitment I made a while back about building him a system from my other spare parts that he’d buy off of me. The only difference is he’s paying me to build this system, granted if I had another lying around taking up space like the one I loaned out I’d be more than happy to loan it to him. The other thing is he wants to keep it so he can give it to someone else. But I also told him I’d do it only if he bought the parts off of me or bought the parts at a store and paid me to do it. As we all know systems aren’t cheap no matter how old they are and I sure the hell don’t just system lying around to give away. Okay maybe I had one, but it’s not even built yet and I’m sure the hell not just going give one to someone I don’t know, okay I actually know who he’s giving it to, but I still wouldn’t give one away to her. So I guess here’s hoping to things are taking the way they’re meant to be and not the way that they aren’t.

Actually that’s kind of not even really scratching the surface of the underlying issue. The issue is I may not come back from changing the systems at my moms. For one the car I’m driving may not even make it back, hell it may not even make it down there. And the other is I guess since the time I started writing here, I’ve had the idea of moving back to Cali, or moving to someplace where no one knows me in my head, and now over time it’s become even more relevant. Before I made myself believe I had a reason to stay, actually I asked if I did, and I took the results as a reason to stay, or at least that what I thought the results were. Anyway, over time that reason has slowly dissipated and now the thought of leaving for good, is once again pounding it’s way forward.

I look back on growing up here and yeah I had my share of fun, and definitely my share of downfalls. The thing is I think I’ve had more downfalls than anything else. I’ve learned a lot living here but that’s about it. I’ve learned how to deal with a lot of things that for the longest time I thought could be overcome, but apparently no matter how hard you try, some things in the world will never change. Was ironic is I’m always telling others you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I suppose it’s time I started taking my own advice. In a sense it comes back down to whether or not I should look at this as another challenge or take it as a sign to leave, and honestly I’m tired of looking things as a challenge and taking things and people as a risk and losing in the end in one way or another.

Now I’m sure some will see this as a cop out, but honestly until, they’ve lived my life, no until they felt they way I’ve felt throughout various portions of my life then they can’t really say a damn thing. I’ve loved and I’ve sure the hell lost, I’ve gone from the top to the bottom and back again, while others have just breezed by or in some cases breezed through. Don’t take me wrong, I’m not saying every event or person in my life has done this but the fact is those that have done, have done it on such a level that words have no real description for. Anyway, if is nothing more than risks and challenge then the saying of retreating to fight another day fits me perfectly.

What pisses me off is had this opportunity before and didn’t take it, for that reason I said above, but hey we can’t turn back time and if I’m going to have to fight then I might as well fight for something I want. Right now there’s nothing holding me here or at least nothing that’s making itself apparent, the only thing I have right now is the handful of friends I still talk to and those that talk to me, whatever is in my room right now, and a new job that honesty barely covers my bills.

So why should I stay, I have yet to find a valid reason. Wait I take that back the only valid reasons I have so far is my dads moving back here in January, actually not here to Phoenix, but back to the town my moms in. He’s recently laid off from Sprint so I know he won’t have much to do other than bitch at my mom for some idiotic, irrelevant, pathetic reason. I won’t go into details, but that is the only reason thus far I have to stay. The other reason would be for this job, since if I go permanent, I’d get free schooling online which I could REALLY use and I think I’d miss Kid a lot.

Well I just realized I probably way over analyzed this whole thing again, and reading it back it sounds like I’m I guess making excuse on why I should go or stay. Oh well, as of now I want to leave and until I find a reason that I want and not just some words that sound great but have no meaning or any puff filled lines of promises and guarantees will that change. I may not leave this week or next month or even next year, but I will leave one day.