Saturday July 6, 2002 at 11:39 pm

I feel I have the need to write something profound, something that will make viewers stop and wonder. Whether it be about the outlandish states of the world, or the outlandish state of my own psyche, just something profound. Yet with all that engulfs my world there is nothing of great interest to speak of, everything that there is as been, and everything that shall be is nothing more than fleeting glimpse of a fantasy, never to be materialized into reality. My days are filled with “what if’s”, and not of what happened.

My best friend, Aaron, used to say the worst thing you could here from me is “I’m bored”, this was a sign that if something, anything did not happen I would simply fall into a state of dreary, uninspired, vegetative, nothingness, only to point out the many opportunities to be wanted, none to be taken, resulting in a constant barrage of “lets do something’s” until either an event or function was performed or the inevitable time of the day has ceased to be no more. I ask myself, no I ponder to myself, what will happen when there is no one around to say “let’s do something”, when all possibilities have exhausted themselves for that moment, or all possibilities available are simply out of reach to pursue or obtain. What happens when I am left with nothing, but what is there, and I have become bored and have twisted and turned, torn down and rebuilt, carved, molded and reshape until there is nothing else to my life, or to become of my life. What am I to do when all that there is, is all that is present and accounted for. What happens when I’m bored of my own existence, yet yearn for something more, something deeper, something worth while.

As I sat today I recalled joking with the nurses at the hospital, and how one suggested to fix my toes since my ankle was broken and they had hinted at a possibly need or surgery to correct my ankle. I laughed at it, and explained that it was hereditary and that everyone in my family had it, but adding to the fact that God defiantly broke the mold when he incepted me. Not because of a masterpiece but because of a manufactures defect. This of course was in all in joking fashion, yet one of them kept telling me to stop and that it wasn’t true. I sat tonight I realized that nearly every joint and bone in my body is somehow, out of skew with that of the stereotypical or medically accepted human male. Yes I realize everyone is unique in their own way, but in comparison to the rest of the world they are built the same structural wise, internally. And no this is not meaning that every male has the same build and muscular development, this is untrue simply because of one habits and environment shape their build. I on the other had seem to have a genetic makeup complete different that the average person, medicine have an almost opposite effect on me or require a completely different dosage for me, even when compared to those of my same age, build, gender and race. My bones, are completely out of skew, almost as if I came out the oven before it was completed, or maybe left in too long and over developed.

Interesting all this thought over the fact, I just noticed my ankles, even the good one don’t bend as they should, over the fact that My mom was right, when I take toll of my life, I represent an old war horse, bruised and battered, patched and repaired, and not even effectively at that. And I realize that this same principle applies to almost everything else in my life. Every car I owned has been bruised battered and repaired, every relationship I’ve had, bruised batted and repaired and eventually fell apart to the wayside. Every job I’ve had, worn out, to all extensive purposes within my own means, never fully expanded upon, always broken before reaching the peak of reaching what ever goal was set forth.

I wonder what I need to do to break this hum drum, not obtain, as my father and every other teacher would say “not applying myself” existence that I currently am forced into living, as it seems that every attempt I have made, has like everything else, become bruised, battered, and as of late seemingly exhausted and worn out, bored of the mundane and relentless circle of daily trivial, yet required actions taken day in and day out.

I say unto all that happen to come about this random though of babblings, yet fully coherent and comprehendible within my self, I’m bored.

I’m bored with it all.

2 Replies to “Saturday July 6, 2002 at 11:39 pm”

  1. Bored is not your fault. It’s just a state that you experience now and then. Has no reflection on you but rather your surroundings, don’t beat yourself up or let your “elders” get to you.

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