Sunday December 23, 2001 at 12:16 am

Well I haven’t been writing in here lately so I suppose I should put in an update, not that there really is any kind of update. I’m feeling kind of stagnate right now, and things really aren’t looking up that much at all. I tried using Priceline for the 2^nd time to rent a car to go home with but they ended up screwing me over, so now I’m forced to try and use the grandma mobile to make the 6 hrs total drive down and back.

(Listening to Incubus – I Miss You)

I’ve pretty much done all the shopping I’m going to do though I found out the mall are going to be open till midnight till I guess Christmas Eve. Anyway I dropped by one on the way home from work since I wasn’t able to get hold of my friends to get directions to the Christmas party I was invited to. So I’m walking around being bored, killing time basically and I remember something I told someone I was going to get them. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the exact item I wanted and the one they did have came in a set, and was a little more than I wanted to pay, but definitely worth the price, not that price really ever mattered when it came to them. Well I ended up spending 20 min searching like mad at all the open stores to see if any of them had it, and I mean searching like you lost your keys type of searching. Turns out none of the other stores had it and I ended up coming back to the 1^st store I went to, which was now starting to close. So as I sit there examining it, I completely off into my own little world, not realizing that the clerk is standing waiting for me to make my decision. I so wanted to get it, because at the time I know they’d really like it, but as I sat there thinking, and apparently pissing off the clerk, I realized all the things I miss. Which was really strange seeing as it was something so unrelated to what I missed, but more towards what I missed about the person I was buying it for. Which was what made the decision not to buy it even harder, until it hit me again, that overall I don’t think they would want it, no matter how much I wanted to give it to them. I guess there’s something things in life you just can’t do, like make someone want something they want,  but  probably wouldn’t accept, from the person that’s giving it to them. That’s probably didn’t come out right but oh well. So in the end I didn’t get it, but tomorrow is of course another day.

(Listening to Babyface – What If)

Now I’m sure most of you that are reading this are probably saying to your self why did you go through all that and then in the end not buy it. Well I asked myself that question for about and hr, as I drove around aimlessly slowing making my way home, winding onto street I had no logical reason to be going on other than at the time it made sense, simply because it was a street. This entire time all I wanted to do was drive and stare into the night, but obviously you can’t do that, for sake of other motorists. Eventually I made it home and well here I am writing this all out now. And I still haven’t figured out why I wanted to buy it, but in the process I realized how much I wanted to buy another important person in my life something but wasn’t able to. Not that I doubt that they wouldn’t accept, it but more that they couldn’t accept it, and never would be able to. See I’ve only had one good Christmas as a non naïve child/teenager, you know those times when all you care about are what you get for Christmas, and not the other things like who you spend it with, or what special person you have to share it with. Well that Christmas, and actually that entire year I’ll always remember simply because of the fact that at the time she was in my life, and that in itself was my gift, and will always be her gift to me, that I will always cherish. I’ve always known this, but I guess tonight it really hit harder than even with everything going on, or not going on in my life. As I got out of my car when I got home tonight, there was a commercial I heard on the radio, and only caught the tail end of it has it said “the gift of life”. I don’t know what other people think when they hear those words, but for me it completely symbolizes her existence, and everything she stood for and fought for until the very end. When I hear those words, I realize that the most precious gift you can give someone is the gift of life, whether it is by giving blood to save a life, or just being there to breathe life into what some may see a lifeless existence. So every year on every occasion that symbolizes those that are nearest and dearest to you, I always remember her, and remember a happier time in my life, on what is now an otherwise, lonely day.

(Listening to Brandy & Tamia – Missing You)

How convenient that song just came on. Almost an hr has gone by since I wrote everything above this. After I finished that I started thinking about all the other things and people I once had in my life that aren’t there anymore, for one reason or another. None of which are more important than the others, they all rank the same, just happened at different times…..

I miss your voice in the morning, that of angel beckoning in the day, in which anything could happen

I miss your voice at night, that a Siren, soft and smooth, yet full of confidence, insuring everything would be alright,

I miss driving through the night in the rain with no real place to go.

I miss lying there listening to you drifting off to sleep, gently easing you to that blissful state of peace to last throughout the night

I miss watching the colors dance upon your eyes like the Fourth of July

I miss the way we laughed, even at the most ordinary and mundane things

I even miss the way we we’d fight, pointlessly just to make up at the end of the night

I miss your gentle touch, soothing aching pains, and easing my mind from the strains of the day

I miss you smooth silky skin, and wanting nothing more than to come home to hold you in my arms all night

I miss staying up all night, with nothing more to do than, having rum and cokes and listening to music.

I miss going to the playground at 3 am just to play on the toys and stare into the night sky.

I miss playing music trivia till 4 am only to be crowned King and you Queen.

I miss clubbing till 4am, crashing at one our places just to be up by 7 to go to work and do it all over again

I miss talking shit to each other all day, and then in the end, to have neither one of us have to do anything about it.

I miss sharing the hopes we had and planning the dreams we wanted to come true

I miss walking in the park watching the sunset, holding you in my arms

I miss not having to say anything, to have you know what I’m thinking and visa versa

I miss reading you like a book, you blushing because I could, and then calling your bluff in the end

I miss everything about all of you, but most of all I miss you

(Listening to David Gray –Please Forgive Me)