Thursday July 25, 2002 at 05:16 pm

You know you live in Phoenix:

You buy salsa by the quart.

Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags.

You think that a red light is merely a suggestion.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving and wearing oven mitts is clever.

Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los”.

You think sixty tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’t remember the name of the incumbent.

Your house is made of stucco and Styrofoam, and has a red clay tile roof.

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.

People break out coats when temperature drops below 70.

You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

The pool water is warmer than you are.

You can make sun tea instantly.

People will drive over a hundred miles just to see snow.

You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

You realize that Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.

The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.

You can (correctly) pronounce the words: Saguaro, Tempe, Gila Bend, San Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, Calle, Valle and Ajo. You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.

It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.

Sun screen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.

Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car