Tuesday January 7, 2003 at 03:16 pm

They come to me at all hours of the night, like a shotgun blasts exploding upon my eyes, ringing throughout my head. I never hear them coming, I can’t sense them coming, they just appear choking away the solace of the depth of my slumbering solitude, as if the grip of death has just been realized around my throat, sending a rush of adrenaline through my veins, but just enough to make me alert yet, not enough to complete awaken me. There’s now enough to realize it’s something I don’t want to see, It’s not bad, I simply don’t want to see it, or anything, I want the darkness to consume it all, I’m awake enough now to take control, enough to see what needs to go where, who needs to do what, how do I want to play this out, what will get this over and done with the quickest. The problem gets resolved. The person does this or I see the resolution and then it all fades to black, this one is over, but there are more to come, many more to come, I open my eyes and wait for the blurriness to subside, it’s only 9am.

I reach over and check my cell, to get the real time, the alarm clock is off by 2hrs, and have no patience to remember how much it is off and by, thus moving to the cell phone for a true confirmation. I dose off again, only to find comfort in that small area between the times I close my eyes and when the few moments found just before it all begins again, it’s never the same one twice, there’s never any reason to them anymore. Before I would never dream of falling or flying, they were always realistic, now I find my self being thrown into the seat of the car by unknown forces, or simply being brought into that place at the beginning without any previous knowledge of how I got there. It’s as if I’m dreaming a collage of experience with some underwritten connection, but it’s one I can see, it’s one I can’t find. Before I could dig these things out through the course of the dream, because they stayed constant, now just when I discover a clue everything changes, before I can piece it together, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get back to it. The batteries have died on my subconscious remote, and the channels are locked in scan mode, as I sit in the front car of a runaway subliminal rollercoaster without a driver, brake, handrail, or seat for that matter.

I haven’t dreaded going to sleep since I was about Kids age, when I was 8 I started to lucid dream, though I didn’t know what it was, I stopped for a short period after I dream I was almost hit by a yellow charger while playing football in the street and the next day it happened. Like I said I didn’t think much of it, I simply thought it was cool for a few days and went back to trying to be able to fly in my dreams, which I gave up on after years of fail attempts, I don’t think I was ever meant to soar through the clouds.

It wasn’t until my best friend Aaron did a term paper on “Lucid” dreaming; that I began to understand what I had been doing for years. Though I still didn’t have a compete grasp on how it happened or why it happened, I just knew how to make it happened when I got there. Even today I wouldn’t be able to explain it, as I have never really researched it, however now that I’ve lost control over it, it think it may be a good thing to do, I’m averaging 3 maybe 4 hrs of sleep a night out of the 8hrs I try a night.

I told Terri about and she says it’s because there’s something I need to work out in my life. It was ironic because it reminded me of something I once told Heather when she asked me “What’s wrong?” I replied with “Everything and nothing!” she didn’t get it, and went on to explain.

“If everything is wrong and you don’t know it then nothing is wrong, because it’s the “norm” but just because you don’t know that it’s wrong, doesn’t mean that it’s not wrong, thus if the “norm” is wrong then everything is wrong as well!”

It’s been this way since the day before New Years Eve, and still have yet to be able to pin point where in my life something has gone awry.� I don’t foresee many sleep filled nights ahead, but I’ll still try, the trick so far after 3-4 episodes is shot of Captain Morgan’s, or a Vicodin, as the only thing I have yet to tie to all the dreams is that in the end my leg is in pain as if I had been walking, jumping, running, on it all day unfortunately the small supply I still have from the hospital is dwindling down.

It makes me wonder about the conversation Diane, Thalia, and I had the other night about Virgo’s being phucked up in the head, granted I’m a Virgo on a Leo cusp, it does seem to be a little coincidental, especially when taken in perspective to the rest of my life. But I put very little into the aspect of my Horoscope, simply based on past experiences, and associations.

I wish there was a way to record my dreams so I could see the pattern, yes there’s always a pattern, it’s just not as easy to see, or as quick to show itself. Maybe I’ll stay awake for a few days and force myself into longer periods of REM, and try and figure it out, until then, more restless night await.