Tuesday January 7, 2003 at 05:23 pm

My tribute to Mr. Murphy, for no other reason than the fact that’ I’m bored.

The correct, original Murphy’s Law reads: “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.” This is a principle of defensive design, cited here because it is usually given in mutant forms less descriptive of the challenges of design for lusers. For example, you don’t make a two-pin plug symmetrical and then label it `THIS WAY UP’; if it matters which way it is plugged in, then you make the design asymmetrical (see also the anecdote under magic smoke).

 

Edward A. Murphy, Jr. was one of McDonnel-Douglas’s quality-control engineers on the rocket-sled experiments that were done by the U.S. Air Force in 1949 to test human acceleration tolerances (USAF project MX981). One experiment involved a set of 16 accelerometers mounted to different parts of the subject’s body. There were two ways each sensor could be glued to its mount, and somebody methodically installed all 16 in a replacement set the wrong way around. Murphy then made the original form of his pronouncement, which the test subject (Major John Paul Stapp) mis-quoted (apparently in the more general form “Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong) at a news conference a few days later.

Within months `Murphy’s Law’ had spread to various technical cultures connected to aerospace engineering. Before too many years had gone by variants had passed into the popular imagination, changing as they went. Most of these are variants on “Anything that can go wrong, will”; this is more correctly referred to as Finagle’s Law. The memetic drift apparent in these mutants clearly demonstrates Murphy’s Law acting on itself!

And now without further ado, some laws to live by.

Murphy’s Laws:

Ø       If anything can go wrong, it will

Ø       If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong

o        Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then

Ø       If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway

Ø       If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop

o        Corollary: It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault, without breaking the fix on one or more of the others

Ø       Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse

Ø       If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Ø       Nature always sides with the hidden flaw
Corollary: The hidden flaw never stays hidden for long.

Ø       Mother Nature is a bitch.

Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics

Ø       Things get worse under pressure.

The Murphy Philosophy

Ø       Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphy’s Laws

Ø       Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy’s Constant

Ø       Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Murphy’s Technology Laws

Ø       Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Ø       Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Ø       Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Ø       If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Ø       The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

Ø       The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

Ø       An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Ø       Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure. Great discoveries are made by mistake.

Ø       Always draw your curves, and then plot your reading.

Murphy’s Military Laws

Ø       Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Ø       No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

Ø       Friendly fire isn’t.

Ø       The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Ø       The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Ø       The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Ø       The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Ø       Incoming fire has the right of way.

Ø       If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

Ø       The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Ø       If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Ø       The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

Ø       The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Ø       There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

Ø       Don’t be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

Ø       If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Murphy’s Computers Laws

Ø       Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Ø       Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

Ø       If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

Ø       If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Ø       Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

Ø       The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

Ø       Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Ø       Every non- trivial program has at least one bug

o        Corollary 1 – A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.

o        Corollary 2 – At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

Ø       Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another ‘unrelated’ part is modified.

Ø       The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
Corollary – A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.

Photography Laws

Ø      You are not Ansel Adams

Ø      Nor are you Herb Ritz

Ø      Automatic Cameras—Aren’t

Ø      Auto Focus—won’t

Ø      If you can’t remember, you left the film at home

Ø      No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting

Ø      When in doubt, motor out

Ø      If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film

Ø      If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid

Ø      Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching

Ø      The most critical roll of film is fogged

Ø      If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film

Ø      Photo Assistants are essential; they give photographers someone to yell at

Murphy’s Toddlers Laws

Ø       When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.

Ø       When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.

Ø       When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.

Ø       When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.

Ø       The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.

o        Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.

Ø       A child’s favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).

Ø       The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.

Ø       If it’s mine it’s mine,
if it’s yours it’s mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it’s mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.

Ø       If I make a mess you must clean it up

Ø       If I broke it, its your fault

Murphy’s Mother Laws

Ø       Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don’t.

Ø       A mother’s love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.

Ø       Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.

Ø       Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won’t know either, but she will fake it.

Ø       Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.

Ø       The more you try to stay on your mother’s good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.

Ø       The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.

Ø       If you can’t remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn’t.

Ø       The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.

Ø       If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.

Ø       Anything you do can be criticized by your mother – even doing nothing.

Ø       Never criticize your mother’s cooking if you expect to get any more of it.

Ø       If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.

Ø       You can’t “out mother” your mother. Don’t even try.

Ø       Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.

Ø       The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a web cam.

Ø       The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother.

Ø       All mother’s have a “How To” manual. That’s because they wrote the book.

Ø       Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe it, ask her.

Murphy’s Laws of sex

Ø       The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

Ø       Nothing improves with age.

Ø       No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

Ø       Sex has no calories.

Ø       Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

Ø       There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Ø       Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

Ø       No sex with anyone in the same office.

Ø       Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Ø       A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Ø       If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Ø       Virginity can be cured.

Ø       When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

Ø       Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Ø       The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

Ø       Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

Ø       It is always the wrong time of month.

Ø       The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

Ø       When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Ø       Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

Ø       Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

Ø       The younger the better.

Ø       The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

Ø       It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

Ø       Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Ø       Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Ø       There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Ø       Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

Ø       Love is a hole in the heart.

Ø       If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon.

Ø       Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

Ø       Do it only with the best.

Ø       Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Ø       One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Ø       You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Ø       Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Ø       It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Ø       Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

Ø       Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

Ø       Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Ø       Never argue with a woman when she’s tired — or rested.

Ø       A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

Ø       What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Ø       It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Ø       Never say no.

Ø       A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

Ø       Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Ø       Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Ø       Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Ø       A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Ø       Love comes in spurts.

Ø       The world does not revolve on an axis.

Ø       Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Ø       Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Ø       Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

Ø       There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Ø       Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Ø       Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Ø       “This won’t hurt, I promise.”