Wednesday September 5, 2001 at 05:36 pm

Okay heres the latest update that actuall took place in July and i’ll follow up with whart happened and where I’m at now

I’m sitting here contemplating my future. The future for everything, which is my life right now. I really don’t know how to contemplate something that seems� more like a sea of up emotions and uncertainties.� I hate having my life out of control, no I that that back on occasion it’s good, I suppose when it suits me best but right, now is not one of them. I have no clue as to what the next day or the next week or the next year holds for me. I know what I want but I don’t know how to get it. Okay I take that back as well I know how to get most of it but not the one that I want most. The one that I miss most of all else in my spiraling out of control life, the need to be needed, the need to be loved. It’s been years since I wanted it last and when I think back on it the last time I had it I threw it away and let it walk out of my life. I don’t want to do that again, but I don’t know how to prevent it, hell I don’t even think it exist on the 2nd parties behave. So as it stands I have choices to make, I swear I’m eating my own words right now. See I always used to tell my friend Sean, “Options, Sean it what one should always look for, Stock option, car options, any options don’t be forced into one set of rules if you don’t have to.” And It’s true for the most part you should look for options, This world would be completely fucked up if people didn’t look at option, they’d never be able to look outside the box, think outside the lines, basically take a different perspective on things in life.

Well now I’m stuck with options and what I thought would be time to let the untimely cards of life play out and be able to make a decision, but it seems that fate has finally caught up to me. See I’ve always waited things out to look at all the options and made decisions based upon that and now it seems that life is throwing me a curveball and I’m at bat losing the count fast. See I can stay or leave and that the easiest part the hard part is deciding whether to go or not. To let what I want in my life the most to simply walked away without me saying a word or to stick it out in what has turned into one of the worst living environments I could imagine for myself in my current state. And that’s not the hardest part either, okay so maybe a one the harder parts the hardest part is whether to look at everything that’s happening around me as a sign or finally move on with my life in a new place and start fresh, or as a challenge to see if I can even hack it at all. That last aspect scares the shit out of me, cuz if that’s the case what if I can’t, what if my want of being the recipient of emotions clouds everything else around me and I screw it up. The hardest part is the fear of the unknown and the fear itself.

Right now I can stay and fight and take the chance of losing everything I know and being as my father would say “assed out”. , play it safe and move back in with my mom and get a job with a friend doing contract install with his company, or take the door number 3 and move out of this state and back to Cali which I haven’t lived in for nearly 17 yrs. The part I can’t seem to explain for some unknown reason of my own is why this is such a hard decision to make, and it’s wrong to say but right now one person hold this decision in her hands and she doesn’t even know it. Should I tell her this and take my chance that maybe she’ll look beyond her own past and into what could be her future or walk away. She’s already asked me if I was basing this on one person or a group of people. You’re probably wondering why. I told her that the reason I was looking at leaving Az was because the entire time I’ve lived in Phx I’ve never been able to find ANY group of friends that I really clicked with like I did before, and I’ve never been able to find someone that lived here that I could even remotely begin to fathom a future within. So I pretty much told I was looking at my situation as a sign that I need to leave and start fresh with a fresh new job and fresh new people. I told her that it was mainly cuz I didn’t feel wanted and honestly that’s the way I saw things. So of course she picked up the hint I was referring to her, and asked and no I didn’t lie I just didn’t come out and say it was based solely on her, and at the time it wasn’t, it was based on my roommates as well, now I’ve found that leaving the house is a given leaving Phx on the other hand is based on her, I take that back she plays a heavy influence on whether I do or not.

I swear this is tearing me apart, I’ve never had to do this before, and it scares the absolute shit out of me. I guess in a since everyone else has done it with me and I suppose it’s about time I do it, it’s only fair I stick my ass out to the fire and take the chance of being burned, rejected, hung out to dry, told take a fly leap into the Grand Canyon, or basically told to go to hell. I think the hardest part is the fact I’ve already done it once before with her, and it was too soon for her, so what should make now any difference it’s only been 2 months. Her birthday is Thursday and I wanna get her something good for her 21st, but at the same time I don’t wanna make it absolutely shitty by telling her in the card but at the same time I don’t even know how to tell her, lately she’s just been kinda avoiding me. We had a talk a few nights back cuz she never talks to me. Her response was she doesn’t tell people she doesn’t trust about her life, and when asked if I had broken her tust she said yes and that I had known about it. The only time I could remember even remotely doing that was a night I got drunk and asked her ex and best friend Derrick if she had said anything about me, he said no. So I asked him if he thought there was a chance that she would if he asked and he said probably not. So I was like okay whatever, and asked him to keep that conversation between me and him. Apparently he couldn’t, and thus somehow this broke her trust in me, which I still don’t get. So I asked her to explain and she told me that she couldn’t because it would be breaking someone else trust in her, stating she realized it was unfair to me, but none the less she wouldn’t tell me anything more than that I knew when it happened. Here’s the thing with that, if that’s the incident she’s referring to the only person trust that was broken was mine in someone else, and this helps none, other than adding to the huge void of confusion my life has turned into. Oh but lets not forget the words of “maybe your trying to hard or not trying hard enough”, thanks Mrs. 4th grade teacher for explaining to me that I have so much potential but I’m apparently not applying myself. So I think I’m just going to do it, before her birthday, I personally am tired of this confusion and I’m tired of hearing my dads voice saying “day late and a dollars short”. Damn I hate the fact that all his old clichés apply to real life situations and aren’t just drunken ravings like they originally seemed. I also hate the fact I over analyze this kinda shit, before I used to have “I Don’t Give a Fuck” weekends I think I’m going to start a “ Don’t Analyze And Don’t Give a Fuck” weekends. Starting next weekend actually I think I’ll start it tomorrow after Erica’s B-day party, which I still have to go get a gift and a card for, but I figure I’ll still get Heather one even if she does do whatever it is she does………………